Pregnancy Loss

I wasn’t sure I was going to share what I’m about to share because it’s honestly so very personal to me and I’m still so raw right now. However, this deserves to be acknowledged and it’s not something I’m going to pretend didn’t happen. It’s important to me and my healing process to share. On 8/19 I suffered a miscarriage. Completely devastated by this. There are no words to describe the pain. A lot of women don’t talk about when they have a miscarriage(I understand why, it’s truly traumatizing) so I didn’t know what to expect. I wasn’t googling what exactly takes place during a miscarriage before it happened, I don’t know if anyone does. I didn’t know what exactly was going to happen. You just hear of miscarriages if you haven’t had one or know of someone. It literally just happens and although I’ve never experienced it before, I KNEW what was going on, I knew what my body was prepping to do. I knew I lost my baby. My body recognized there was no longer a life within me, physically recognized that and did what it needed to do to protect me. It’s hard for me to believe it happened to me. When I had the miscarriage we were on a family vacation, in Las Vegas. We were there for the week and the day after I got there(Tuesday) I started to spot. Of course I google and it says it’s “normal” to spot early on so I was trying not to worry. I never spotted with Kace though. Then, come Thursday the spotting turned a little heavier and I started to worry a bit more. My husband and I had a date night planned that night and we went out to dinner and came back. I went to bed and he went to go play some blackjack. That night I prayed before bed like I normally do, but this time I was praying so so hard for the Lord to protect my baby. Something just didn’t feel normal with the increase in bleeding. Three hours later, at 1am Friday 8/19, I get out of bed and go to the restroom and I text my husband “hey, I’m bleeding more please buy me some tampons”- mind you I have no clue what’s about to go down. I just knew pregnant women were not supposed to be bleeding this much. He comes up and brings me the tampons and there he sees me, sitting on the toilet with my completely drenched in sweat because at that moment, I was having the miscarriage. My cervix had to open enough to pass my baby, so the cramps and what felt like contractions were extreme plus unmedicated. The physical pain isn't anything compared to the emotional pain though. I looked and I saw my baby in the toilet and still couldn’t believe it. I brought my husband over so he could see our little one. I then tell my husband I’m in insane pain and I need meds like literally anything right now. He goes to get me whatever he can find in our hotel. He comes back and I’m now on the floor feeling like I’m going to really pass out. I move to the bed and I can’t stop shivering and my body was drenched in sweat. My husband brings up going to the hospital saying that I don't have to suffer like that(he knows I'm anti most medicine 99% of the time and don't like hospitals/docs and won't go unless I feel like I'm literally dying) and I declined. I didn't feel like my life was in danger losing too much blood or being in a type of pain I couldn't handle, I can handle alot. I try to rest and sleep but I really can’t after realizing what just happened. I wasn’t able to process I lost my baby. My husband saw everything and was terrified. We had to check out of our hotel the next morning and I had a 5/6 hour car ride ahead of me. Completely miserable. Just like after my pregnancy last time I was back in diapers, again. In the moment of the miscarriage, I felt my body was doing what it should and I trusted my body that it would do what it needed to do. Depending on how far along a woman is during her pregnancy when she miscarries, that determines if surgery/a procedure is necessary or if a woman’s body can’t take care of the miscarriage on its own naturally. I didn’t need the procedure or any surgery. It’s a really heartbreaking experience to go through and my heart goes out to every momma that has lost their babe. I also wanted to add that immediately after the miscarriage, I no longer felt pregnant, everything went away instantly for me. It’s now been two weeks and I’m still so raw. Still balling my eyes out in public. Some days feel okay and then some days are tough. My husband encouraged me to speak about this. I have been back and forth if I wanted to say anything at all since I never announced I was pregnant to begin with. It almost seems easier to go through this alone and not announce but it’s not, because that’s what I’ve been doing. Something that surprised me was how quickly my body started ovulating again, which was 6 days after I stopped bleeding. Part of me was upset because it’s like my body just restarted. Like I was never even pregnant. I am thankful that my body was able to do what it naturally needed to do as heartbreaking as that sounds. It is truly amazing what a woman's body is capable of. Emotionally I’m all over the place, I don’t know what this grieving/healing process all looks like. Please keep us in your prayers. Your memory will forever live in our hearts, Sunny☀️🙏🏼

Isaiah 57:1-2 NLT

Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die.